From one moment to the next, an onlooker is unable to see if J.R. Smith will play basketball, or if he will be playing basketball. I love watching J.R., but this tendency towards the unpredictable and irrational has caused a great number of Knicks fans (and other basketball-watching humans) to become tired of the nine-year veteran, which makes some sense - after all, how long can you hear the same joke over and over before it becomes grating?
Naturally, I've figured out ways and reasons why every single NBA team should trade for this provocative player.
* * *
Chicago Bulls
There is no loss like the loss of a love, and losing the help of Derrick Rose and Luol Deng in the same season must be very difficult for Tom Thibodeau. Looking at Tony Snell, Mike Dunleavy, and the corpse of Kirk Hinrich in practice doing whatever weird shit and realizing that they’ll be playing heavy minutes in your complex, orthopedic defense schemes? My heart aches for you Tom, but luckily, there is a solvent, a deadly chemical just looking for rebranding with a new coach. And where else would J.R. thrive but in the Second City, the first town that drafted him? Let J.R. set Chicago ablaze again.
The trade: Kirk Hinrich and Marquis Teague for J.R. Smith
Cleveland Cavaliers
With Luol Deng’s arrival in town
providing a bit of veteran leadership for this young Cavs team, there
is still the concern of Prince Knucklehead Dion Waiters, whose style seems Larry Hughes at best, Larry Hughes at worst (we are on the same
page regarding Larry Hughes and/or Dion Waiters at this point, correct?). The choice is
clear. Why play with a Prince when you can have the King right now?
There’s no way that Matthew Dellavedova should be starting for a
playoff basketball team at this point in his young career, and
there’s no chance that the Cavaliers can even make the playoffs
without J.R. Smith on the roster.
The trade: Anthony Bennett and Carrick
Felix for J.R. Smith
Detroit Pistons
Let’s just say this first: things
haven’t worked out as planned. It’s possible that signing a
highly inaccurate point guard and a highly inaccurate tweener wasn’t
the best plan to assist in the growth of two of the best young post
players in the league. Things can, and should be, remade in the Motor
City. If Chrysler could do it, why can’t the Pistons? Smith is a
perfect backcourt partner for Brandon Jennings, J.R. Smith’s brash
style could be thrown into the mix as easy as James Dolan can mumble,
gazing into a Ziplock freezer bag filled with human blood, "trade
for Rodney Stuckey."
The trade: Rodney Stuckey for J.R.
Smith, Pablo Prigioni, and Cole Aldrich
Indiana Pacers
At the top of the Eastern Conference, Indiana hasn't done much wrong this season. It only makes sense to provide additional insurance to their dominance by trading for one of the best role players in the league, J.R. Smith. Because of the logjam at SF/PF, Chris Copeland has been disappointing to Pacers fans, but he would be a welcome sight for sore eyes in New York. Smith, meanwhile, would assist with the already steady backcourt, and with Frank Vogel's tutelage would likely revive many of the defensive skills he has been missing this season. Importantly, Smith's contract and many abilities is a safe piece of insurance if Lance Stephenson leaves in the off-season.
The trade: Chris Copeland, Rasual Butler, and Orlando Jones for J.R. Smith
Milwaukee Bucks
After a campaign in Dallas last fall that seemed like the perfect "fuck you" after several years struggling with himself in Memphis, O.J. Mayo fell off dramatically upon Dirk Nowitzki's arrival and somehow landed a pretty great contract with Milwaukee. Unfortunately, Mayo hasn't played like the first option he probably wanted to be, and with yet another young point guard overwhelming his combo guard tendencies, he desperately needs to engage himself in some self discovery. J.R. Smith is more in line with the identity of the Bucks than Mayo is, and his catch-and-shoot abilities (which would be of use with Brandon Knight) remain glorious despite issues with time management. The Bucks wouldn't even be tanking here - they'd be getting one of the strongest young players in the league at little cost.
The trade: O.J. Mayo for J.R. Smith and Beno Udrih
* * *
Golden State Warriors
The Warriors are coasting right now, likely due to the return of Andre Iguodala and the continued strong play of their non-injured starters (Curry, Lee, et al). As we know, the bench is not so deep, and thus trading J.R. Smith to the Warriors would be a play to make up for a significant part of their weakness in the offseason, where their free agent signings were, besides Iguodala, questionable at best. Smith is no Jarrett Jack in terms of ball control, but he's probably better than any alternative. Playing at last with a top 5 point guard and multiple capable big men, Smith could jack up as many 26 foot three pointers as he wanted, and it's likely it would help Andrew Bogut's offensive rebounding numbers as well.
The trade: Marresse Speights and Jermaine O'Neal for J.R. Smith and Kenyon Martin
Los Angeles Clippers
Okay, I have to be honest, this is the only team in the league where I think there is the depth, contract lengths, and overall roster quality where J.R. Smith's services aren't immediately needed. This is hard to talk myself into. I have my minor qualms, but this is a team with six players at an above average PER, and the loose spots in the roster (i.e. Willie Green seeing any playing time) will be taken care of with the return of J.J. Redick and eventually, Chris Paul. While Jared Dudley has been sort of disappointing, he is by no means a lost cause, and though Matt Barnes has complained about his "shithead" role openly, he will likely be an important role player despite unimpressive stats. If anything, Smith would be an excellent acquisition due to his propensity for flopping, and if there's anything the Clippers need more of, it's flopping.
The trade: Matt Barnes, Willie Green, and 2014 1st Round Pick for J.R. Smith
Los Angeles Lakers
Though Kobe Bryant is sure to come back from injury and be the old Kobe in no time at all, the Lakers could use some insurance for a possibly disastrous 2014 free agency period by trading for one of the better shooting guards in the league, giving up very little in return. After a long winter in New York, J.R. Smith could use the Vitamin D of Los Angeles' climate, and besides, Smith has more upside than Meeks, more skills than Nick Young, and a giddier desire to play D'Antoni-ball than the sulking Kaman. If Mitch Kupchak is serious about the Lakers not giving up the ghost - which they shouldn't, considering the talents of Bryant, Gasol, and others - J.R.'s contract will likely look like a bargain by the time his time is up.
The trade: Chris Kaman and Jodie Meeks for J.R. Smith
Phoenix Suns
When considering trades with the Suns, things are exceptionally difficult compared to how things seemed in the pre-season. How can you break up a really cheap team on pace to win almost 50 games? I've come up with some ground rules: 1) You can't trade Dragic while Bledsoe is hurt, or vice versa 2) You can't split up the Morris twins, 3) Channing Frye is a Sun for life. Thankfully, Alex Len seems pretty terrible, and the Suns are below the cap, so there are options. Moving P.J. Tucker would give Gerald Green, at small forward, carte blanche through the end of this season to hurl three pointers at a glorious pace, and J.R. Smith would replace Tucker as the "guy with initials for a first name" in the rotation. As we know, Smith is a pretty incredible sixth man when motivated, and if both Bledsoe and Dragic were healthy, it's hard to not imagine that team doing great things in an unconventional way. Also, Dionte Christmas is included on this deal (though not necessary) to allow for a "Christmas in New York" headline next year.
The trade: Alex Len, P.J. Tucker, and Dionte Christmas for J.R. Smith
Sacramento Kings
I had been working on a trade for Rudy Gay involving Andrea Bargnani as well, but the CBA disallowed a trade with Gay until the offseason due to his recent move, so here we are. The Kings have had a weird relationship with both Thornton and Fredette for seemingly decades now, and this would get it over with, as well as give the Knicks a "prospect" which they could attempt to develop before trading him for an even worse player. Meanwhile, Smith would fit comfortably with Isaiah Thomas as a thrilling, speedy backcourt. Felton is undoubtedly a step up from their current backup point guard. Though it would inevitably push Ben McLemore closer to making artisan gravity bongs in Oregon, J.R. Smith's veteran influence in Sacramento would be positive and a contribution towards relevance in the Western Conference.
The trade: Marcus Thornton and Jimmer Fredette for J.R. Smith and Raymond Felton
* * *
Denver Nuggets
While Smith has certainly peaked with the Knicks, it's no surprise that many of us old-timers (people who have been watching basketball for over 3 years) savor his stint on the Nuggets with nostalgia, like the feeling of sitting in a worn rocking chair on the porch of the home your mother grew up in. Smith is the sweet smell of wicker, the seat frayed on the corners from the tortoise-shell pattern cat she had as a girl, putting its claws in and stretching while she did her homework, sitting in the warm spring sun. As she looked out that window on the porch, she rocked back in warm comfort, looking down at Lucy, and the chair creaked in ways familiar. She would never be a great student, but in that chair, she did some of her best work.
The trade: Andre Miller for J.R. Smith
Minnesota Timberwolves
As Kevin Love vaguely threatens to leave the glitz and glamour of Minneapolis-St. Paul in press reports, it would be smart of Timberwolves management to consider, "Well, maybe we should do something to keep him." Trading for J.R. Smith and a veteran point guard in Beno Udrih would convey both seriousness towards the future, and a strong present desire to win. Smith would contribute incredibly to the rotation, and fit into Rick Adelman's plans for the team better than J.J. Barea or Corey Brewer currently can.
The trade: Alexey Shved and Shabazz Muhammad for J.R. Smith and Beno Udrih
Oklahoma City Thunder
I read an article with Jeff Green yesterday where he said, basically, "[My Thunder teams] would've won a championship if we had the veteran attitudes that we have now." It's hard to realize what you have until after the fact, I guess. For some reason, it reminds me of the Beatles and their solo/Wings albums in the years after. Is this season for Kevin Durant the equivalent of McCartney II? Does that make Reggie Jackson "Temporary Secretary"? I don't know; I don't really want to play that game. The Thunder are great because of Kevin Durant and the idea of Russell Westbrook, but they are a flawed team with cheap management and ownership, and no scorers. J.R. Smith would absolutely fit on the Thunder, more than most teams even (seriously), and while the "James Harden role" will never be replaced, Smith would provide an additional 15 shots a game that Derek Fisher is likely thinking about taking right now.
The trade: Jeremy Lamb and Derek Fisher for J.R. Smith
Portland Trail Blazers
I walked home in these new shoes the other day. I thought it was going to be drier than it was, downtown by the hospitals, the feet of the masses pressing home themselves, a weary eyed bunch, from a long day in economic and emotional servitude to the hearts of the lost and weakened among us. Empathy is hard on a person, even when you're getting paid. Hundreds of boots marching towards the train, the bottoms of scrubs tucked into the heavy thick padding on the sides. It was colder, but drier than it is now, and even despite that and that quiet, wet trek home, these shoes got wet, the edges caked with salt, and now I have to trade them for Dorell Wright because I can't get anything better.
The trade: Dorell Wright and Joel Freeland for J.R. Smith
Utah Jazz
The poor Jazz are in last place in the Western Conference, and despite their rosy cheeks, are in desperate need of a player on the caliber of J.R. Smith. Besides Alec Burks and Gordon Hayward, they have very few swingmen that can make their own shot, and Smith could make many of those shots, and possibly more (hundreds more). With the possibility of Hayward leaving in the off-season, Smith would fill a void at a low price. In the short term, Smith would likely take minutes from Richard Jefferson and Diante Garrett, but considering J.R. tearing up the slopes and taking pictures of himself with mountain goats is worth that negative prospect.
The trade: Jeremy Evans, Brandon Rush, and a 2015 2nd round pick for J.R. Smith
* * *
Atlanta Hawks
Al Horford’s absence for the rest of the season likely means that the Hawks will be eliminated in the first round of the playoffs instead of the second round in the playoffs, but it also means that there are a lot of shots to be found in Atlanta for the foreseeable future. With Lou Williams still coming back from injury, a fresh dose of J.R. Smith could be just what the Hawks need to patch up their roster. Imagine a future of Jeff Teague dishing it out to J.R. in the corner for an open three, while I dunno, Gustavo Ayon or something claps wildly on the sidelines. Yet another perfect fit for J.R.!
The trade: Elton Brand and John Jenkins for J.R. Smith
Charlotte Bobcats
For seasons now, J.R. Smith has looked
onward as his coworkers have attained greater fame and notoriety than
he has, regardless of his paramount skills on the basketball court.
He has been overlooked his entire career while sharing the court with
Speedy Claxton and Chris Paul on the Hornets, then by Carmelo Anthony
for almost a decade on both the Nuggets and Knicks. If we look at
what good it seems to have done both of them, it seems clear that
this marriage was never meant to be. In America's Premier Financial
Services Capital, J.R. Smith could shine in a way he has never been
able to, and with a young, active point guard in Kemba Walker and a
dominant big man in Al Jefferson, J.R. Smith could finally attain
what he's always wanted: a team of his own.
The trade: Gerald Henderson for J.R.
Smith
Miami Heat
The defending champions are certainly at no lack for talent, but beyond this season, this roster is up in the air beyond James, Wade, Bosh, and Norris Cole I think? Are there more? With eight expiring contracts, the Heat are depending on bargains in the off-season, but with the parity carved out by the new CBA, many other teams will have space to add good free agents as well. Despite his foibles, J.R. Smith looks like an excellent player into the foreseeable future, and the perfect type of player to fit into the system that Spolestra has in place. We can laugh at the idea of Smith and Michael Beasley sharing spaces on the same bench, but Beasley has looked great, and Smith would feel rejuvenated as well. This would be scary and awesome.
The trade: Mario Chalmers and Joel Anthony for J.R. Smith, Metta World Peace, and Cole Aldrich
Orlando Magic
The Magic are a top lottery team again this season, but the least they could do is make their returning young players happy. Unfortunately, there's a logjam at tweeny positions, and Maurice Harkless (here-forth referred to as Mo Harkless) is stuck behind players better than he is, like Glen Davis, Tobias Harris, Jason Maxiell, Andrew Nicholson, Arron Afflalo, and several others. The least they could do is trade Mo to a place where it's understandable that you're a backup because you're playing behind Carmelo Anthony. In that scenario, Smith would become the benefactor of good, solid minutes for a terrible team, and get to ruin some assist opportunities for Weird Jameer Nelson or Oladipo. It would be okay for all parties involved, but the Magic would get slightly better as a result.
The trade: Mo Harkless, Ronnie Price, 2014 2nd Round Pick for J.R. Smith and Toure' Murray
Washington Wizards
A stacked rotation for the Wizards, as Trevor Ariza enjoys the spoils of a career season, makes trading away one of the best bench small forwards an acceptable idea. Where things may lead with J.R. aren't clear; not particularly known for his political skills, Smith may find himself overwhelmed in the Beltway, as K Street fat cats attempt to get him to sell out, to settle for more high percentage shots in exchange for a taste at power. Would J.R. taste the Golden Fruit, or remain himself?
The trade: Martell Webster and Eric Maynor for J.R. Smith and Toure' Murray
Washington Wizards
A stacked rotation for the Wizards, as Trevor Ariza enjoys the spoils of a career season, makes trading away one of the best bench small forwards an acceptable idea. Where things may lead with J.R. aren't clear; not particularly known for his political skills, Smith may find himself overwhelmed in the Beltway, as K Street fat cats attempt to get him to sell out, to settle for more high percentage shots in exchange for a taste at power. Would J.R. taste the Golden Fruit, or remain himself?
The trade: Martell Webster and Eric Maynor for J.R. Smith and Toure' Murray
* * *
Dallas Mavericks
Rick Carlisle's team has loved to play fast this season, and with J.R. Smith adding both youth and speed to the mix, the Mavericks might average 120 points for the rest of the season. Smith would allow Carlisle to take it a little easier on Monta Ellis and Vince Carter, and the prospect of small-ball with Calderon/Ellis/Smith/Marion/Dirk is a glorious, glorious thing. Additionally, Texas' adorable lack of a state income tax would allow Smith to keep more of his money, which he could spend on a stable full of horses, a mansion full of butlers, and Shirley Temples at country clubs.
The trade: Samuel Dalembert and Wayne Ellington for J.R. Smith and Cole Aldrich
Houston Rockets
Like the Warriors, the Rockets lack
much depth beyond their excellent starters, and J.R. Smith would be a
perfect sixth man for a fantastic Houston rotation. In lineups with
Smith coming off the bench, Harden could either play the 2 or the 3,
and the thought of those two looping around off the ball is pure
basketball heaven. Heaven, it was once posited by Belinda Carlisle,
is a place on earth called Houston, Texas. Ridding Houston of Omer
Asik would provide an obvious chemistry boost to this team, and the
kicker of Metta World Peace returning to the Rockets would give both
Chandler Parsons and Terrence Jones a break in his limited minutes.
The trade: Omer Asik for J.R. Smith and
Metta World Peace
Memphis Grizzlies
It's clear that the Grizzlies are
hurting without Marc Gasol, but their biggest hole right now is in
the wing positions. Tayshaun Prince had significantly less in the
tank than the Grizzlies had bargained for upon trading away Rudy Gay,
and while a stream of league-minimum replacements has been
cost-effective, they remain a team on edge. Acquiring J.R. Smith
would allow Memphis some flexibility upon Marc's return, some
stability in the future, and importantly for this team ranked at the
bottom of the West in scoring, provide some desperately needed
offense. A team with J.R. Smith and Tony Allen at the wings isn't
just an amazing Twitter duo - it would be a playoffs team.
The trade: Ed Davis and Mike Miller for
J.R. Smith
New Orleans Pelicans
The Pellies are a battered bunch
recently, having lost Ryan Anderson and Jrue Holiday to long-term
injury, putting plums (Miles Plums, specifically) right in the middle
of their playoff hopes. Anthony Davis is a brilliant,
interdimensional basketball player, but he need not carry this team,
especially when the services of J.R. Smith are available for a mere
draft pick and several million dollars of inefficient basketball
players in return. Importantly for Pelicans brass, Smith carries a
pulse and has the ability – no, the raw, wanton desire – to hurl
a ball from up to 30 feet away, towards a target, with reasonable
accuracy. This would be awesome, like a gator leaping out of the
bayou to bite a heron.
The trade: Austin Rivers, Greg
Stiemsma, and Jeff Withey for J.R. Smith
San Antonio Spurs
If we allow ourselves some more
honesty, we can say outloud, “Well, the Spurs would never do this.”
But friends, they should. Danny Green has a bit of difficulty this
season, regressing a touch, and with Marco Belinelli coming on
strong, it makes sense to jettison for a stronger player before Tim
Duncan becomes too old to breathe. Whether off the bench or starting,
J.R. Smith would play excellently for the reigning Western Conference
champions, and Greg Popovich and his staff's strong dedication to
player development would allow Smith to shake the dust off his
dormant, but existent, defensive skills. Where might J.R. help take
the Spurs?
The trade: Danny Green and Cory Joseph
for J.R. Smith
* * *
Brooklyn Nets
The Nets are built to "win now," and while they've been successful since January 1, with Deron Williams returning to his injured ways, any luck they seem to have may be a weird fluke. What Billy King needs to do now is set the Nets up for the future, with one of the most electric, polarizing, and biggest assholes in sports over the past five years (J.R. Smith). There is one sensible trade for the Knicks and Nets to make, in order to cleanse both teams of a curse begun in last year's playoffs, when J.R. elbowed Terry in the face in Game 3 of Knicks/Celtics, and set both Smith and Terry with a horrible hex (the hex involves true shooting percentage). I have spoken with several members of Cambridge's large community of witches, and sources tell me that the most certain way to remove the curse on both men is by having them swap teams and later, drink a Hex-Cleansing Brew in a strip club together. It makes sense.
The trade: Jason Terry for J.R. Smith
Boston Celtics
The Celtics are on the verge of a full-on collapse, and if there’s anything that they could use right this instant, it’s a little heart, a little enthusiasm for life. The frozen fans in Boston aren’t getting that from Gerald Wallace’s repeated calls for harder play, but they would get it from J.R. Smith windmill dunking on that beautiful parquet floor. Brad Stevens can explore more small-ball lineups, and now with Courtney Lee traded away, there’s an opportunity at the wing positions that Smith could leap into. With a starting lineup of Rondo, Crawford, Smith, Green, and Sullinger, could these Celtics make the second round… this season?
The trade: Brandon Bass for J.R. Smith
New York Knicks
If we reason that there are parallel universes than our own, it seems reasonable in the very least that there is a New York Knicks team where J.R. Smith is not a knucklehead who unties shoes and ruins basketball, and is instead a positive teammate, a polite human being, and someone who enjoys bird watching and making pipes more than ingestion of class scheduled substances and giving pipes. He might be a little boring by our J.R. standards, but really he's just a slightly less of an asshole: he has the same tattoos and can still dunk very well. There is also a miniature Amar'e Stoudemire, like two feet tall but with the exact same proportions, and our universe's Knicks are trading for him too.
The trade: J.R. Smith for J.R. Smith and miniature Amar'e Stoudemire
Philadelphia 76ers
It's pretty rare for two divisional 'rivals' to trade with each other, but considering that the Knicks and Sixers haven't faced each other in the playoffs since 1989, I'm not going to think of this as a big deal despite of the geographic closeness between New York and Philadelphia. Since the Sixers are starting Hollis Thompson and James Anderson at shooting guard right now, J.R. Smith would be a significant upgrade without much chance of ruining their lottery hopes. Meanwhile, Evan Turner - who says no? - would be an excellent Swiss Army Knife for the Knicks, providing youth for at least another year and a half, and at a small increase in cost. And in the chance that FREE J.R. becomes a sensation in Philadelphia (quite possible!), they can always trade Thaddeus Young for scraps with a contender.
The trade: Evan Turner for J.R. Smith
Toronto Raptors
Masai Ujiri has been waiting for this call.
The trade: Landry Fields and Drake for J.R. Smith
* * *
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